My Final Paper for Advanced Composition
Earle Rhee
McCabe
3rd Pd
Huxley and William
The gala was a fiasco, ruined by its own drunkard of a host, and so I came home to nurse my head only to find my study in shambles. William was playing a desperate game of tag with that God-awful nephew of his and losing I might add. And as soon as Billy saw me standing in the doorway, he snatched the Baron’s Ring off of my desk and ran into the washroom.
“I swear, if you don’t open this door right now I will have your head mounted on my wall along with Bambi over there. And you can bet your ass that I shot his mother too. Open this door. Now.”
“My God, Huxley he’s only a child. You’ll make him cry, the poor thing. Are you all right in there Billy? Billy, Uncle Huxley won’t lay a finger on you, I promise, but do you think you can come out of there any time soon? That ring is very valuable to Uncle Huxley you know.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying right here! And I mean it!”
“You’re worse than your mum Billy. And why must you insist on referring to me as Uncle Huxley? That brat is yours and yours alone.”
“Because he needs an uncle figure. It’s good for the boy.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. That boy does not need an uncle-figure so much as a straitjacket. Throw him right into the brinks that ought to sort him out. He’s an absolute lunatic.
“Really, you should try listening to yourself some time. And was that really necessary?”
“What was?”
“Just now, all that with Billy! Oh don’t look at me like that, he’s my sister’s kid. What would you have me do, whip him?”
“Yes! That runt’s a menace! You could have at least told me that we were entertaining a monkey tonight.”
“I can still hear you, you know!”
“Shut up Billy. Honestly, this room is in complete disarray and that thing is probably gnawing on the Baron’s Ring for God’s sakes. No one touches the Baron’s Ring, you know that! I want this room spotless, Billy gone, and a hot bath in 10 minutes. I want a pot of hot coffee and mother on the line. I want…
“Hey Ox, Ox!”
“What, William. Will, Willy. Willy Billy. Bastards the both of you. Your mother was a whore I hope you realize that.”
“Huxley?”
“What.”
“It’ll be all right. We’ll get the ring back.”
“I suppose so.
William?”
“Yes?”
“Did I ever tell you that I have a monstrous headache? And that I hate you?”
“Yes, yes you did. Meribeth is going overseas for a while and asked us to take care of Billy for a few days. Sorry for not telling you earlier.”
“Well, I guess it can’t be helped then; it is Meribeth after all. And if you’re looking for an apology, don’t bother because you’re not getting one. I don’t apologize to butlers.”
“Of course.”
“Oh and William? Go get John for me. I think he’s in the cellar right now. Tell him we need a new door.”
“A new door? What for? Ox? Where are you going? Ox put that down! Have you lost your mind??”
“He’s gone!”
“Gone? What do you mean gone? That… door was the only way in or out!”
“And he’s gone! ”
Time was of the essence now. The minutes were trickling away like an hourglass, like sand through my fingers yet I found myself unable to speak, to think; the mere possibility of losing the ring left me paralyzed from the waist up. Known simply as the Baron’s Ring, the value is priceless. Not just for its pure white gold as they call it, but for the wild and fantastic stories surrounding it, no engulfing it. Some say King Arthur’s time, blessed my Merlin’s magic. Other say Joan of Arc, kissed by the very mouth of God. I say it’s rare and very pretty, with only three recorded to have existed. One is supposedly in Asia, another lost in time, although probably in Asia, and mine is kept hidden inside a kaleidoscope that sits proudly on my desk; was sitting on my desk at any rate. And then of course, Billy throws it on the ground and out pops the priceless heirloom, now with teeth marks and all. Lovely.
“I fail to find the humor in this. If anything, you should be frantically panicking, frantically. He is your nephew, you do realize that?”
“Naturally.”
“Then stop smiling, it’s not funny. I just don’t see how he could have just disappeared unless you’re not telling me something, seeing how my back was facing the door half the time.”
“Well, he is my nephew you do realize that?”
“Oh is that so? Well I guess that changes everything now doesn’t it.”
“Naturally. And if it’s any condolence to you, he once managed to sneak into the Windsor Castle’s kitchen and ruin half the food that was to be served at the Royal Banquet a few years back.”
“Oh is that what happened? Even I was told that one of the serving ladies botched it up and got thrown into the dungeon for a few days. Why am I not surprised that it was Billy? Honestly I am not surprised in the slightest.”
“Well he did get thrown into the dungeon that’s true, but we found him bothering the dinner guests and stealing food off of people’s plates several hours later. To this day we still don’t know how he did it and Meribeth always changes the subject when broached. By the way, Billy took your tea pot on the way out.”
“Yes, well wait what? My tea pot! It was right here! I was just drinking from it a few minutes ago. Really William, this is a new low. I couldn’t care less if he’s your nephew, I have had quite enough of this nonsense. Now I want you and your furball out of this house. Chief Edgar will be here in five minutes to arrest you for attempted manslaughter if you don’t. I will do it, don’t you dare think I won’t.
“All right, relax, I’m going. Take care of yourself Ox, seeing how I won’t be around to do it.”
“Wait, you’re not actually going? At least take your belongings…?
“Keep them. I won’t be needing any of them.”
“Then where will you go? William! Huh. Bastard! And don’t come back! Honestly, who needs that bloody pig anyway? No one needs him. Manky, barmy, useless cow of a butler. Why after all that I put with him, the nerve of him to just walk out on me like that…
I was scrounging around for five minutes maybe when suddenly, Butler.
“I’ve started the vehicle and I have your things here, ready to go. Here, put this on. It’s cold out.”
“What in God’s name- explain yourself William!
“Come on then, we don’t have all day. Put it on. There’s an old tunnel connecting the gardens to the cellar. I had it commissioned back when there was talk of war with the Spanish. John knows about it, I paid him most handsomely for all the work he’s put into it.”
“That’s a lie. I don’t see how you could have known about the meeting in the first place. And that’s a gross embezzlement of my wealth. You’re fired.”
“Oh please you can’t fire me. You don’t even know the difference between a tailcoat and a coattail, let alone where anything is in your own manor. I heard you moaning about the keys to the vehicle all the way from your bedroom.”
“You had them!”
“You gave them to me. Now let’s go, I think I know where Billy might have run off to. Scotland Yard’s on the way and we’re late.”
“So what happens after that sir?”
“Before I go on, I would like to ask you something of uttermost importance… How’s my story officer? Does it match up with anything William is saying?”
“God damn it Huxley, I don’t think you realize the gravity of the situation you’re in! At the very least you’re facing a life sentence in this moldering prison cell and there will be nothing that I or anyone else can do about it.”
“Yes, well I appreciate your concern but I never asked for your help now did I? I’ve got it all under control, really.”
“Half of Wales is buried in rubble and you have the audacity to say under control? We’re talking billions in damages here, billions!”
“And yet the ring is worth billions more Gerald.”
“Now wait just one moment good sirs, what exactly is all this commotion over this silly ring about? Seems like an awful lot of trouble over a small trinket wouldn’t you say?”
“You will speak when spoken to Officer; this matter is hopelessly beyond your pay grade. Now go be a doll and fetch Huxley and I some water or something. I’m assuming you at least keep your prisoners properly nourished?”
“Aw, no need for that kind of tone Mr. Gerald sir. Why, all you need to do is raise this pay grade of mine and problem solved innit?”
“Please don’t open your mouth ever again Officer. Now before I explain myself, I’m going to need to speak with William.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that sir.”
“Oh I believe you can. And you will.”
“No sir, that would be a breach of protocol.”
“Protocol he says! The man dares to recite protocol to me when he has just been bribed- uh, how much did you give him to be here?
“Twelve thousand pounds.”
“Twelve thousand pounds! Now you listen to me officer and you listen to me well. There is enough wealth and influence in this mangy dog cell to start a civil war and throw the Majesty her Queen on her pompous ass. I am the champion of the royal court, Huxley Mountbatten-Windsor from the House of Windsor. Gerald here owns half the banks in London so believe me when I say that your high card’s worth jack shit compared to our royal flushes.
“Huxley Mountbatten-Windsor? No, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that name before. And if I’m not mistaken, doesn’t the prime minister oversee all the financial matters in the banks of London?”
“Get me William and I will personally see to your fortunes being elevated. That cheque for twelve thousand is but a glimpse, a glimpse my dear friend! Together we can rule the eastern hemisphere!”
“Yes, yes… You’re absolutely right! My apologies sir. I do believe there’s a certain William Cornwall being held in the neighboring station and I shall have him transported here immediately. For the eastern hemisphere!”
“That’s not good enough Officer, not good enough. I need you to escort him personally, I don’t trust any of those dogs but you and you alone.”
“Yes, of course. It shall be done Mr. Huxley sir. I shall only be gone a couple minutes, please be patient good sirs!”
“Take your time officer, we’ll be sitting right here. Right here…
Go go go go, Alphonse he’s gone! Where’s the key?”
“I don’t know where the key is, do I look like a bloody cop Huxley?
“Well find it you skanky whore bag, get these cuffs off of me!”
“There we go!”
“Go go go go!”
“Hey Huxley? I think I found the storage room. And Mary mother of God Huxley you need to see this.”
“Are the rubies inside?”
“Oh I found more than just the rubies all right. I think I just found ourselves fame and fortune…”
“Yeah well that’s great. Snap out of it you whore bag! No way in hell are we botching this up now. Here, put them all into this garbage bin and we’ll collect it on the way out. I’ll be damned if we get caught now, we’ve worked way too hard for that.
“Oh man, we’ll have so much women and booze that I’ll be joining a monastery in disgust of it all. I can just taste the liquor on my lips already. Oh man, Huxley aren’t you even the least bit excited?”
“Stop running your whore mouth and help me wrap these!”
“Huxley sir? Where are you! I’ve got a William Cornwall here but he claims that he’s never heard of you before.”
“Cripes, already? C’mon then, let’s finish this up. Put this bin over there in that corner and cover it up for God’s sakes! Let’s go.
My fellow officer! Excellent work, most excellent. For the eastern hemisphere indeed! Hello there William, old chap. My sincerest apologies, I was looking for the washroom. Now let me explain to you all of this subterfuge that was required of us. You see, after William and I got into the vehicle, we sped down the Kings Highway in hot pursuit of that rascal Billy and that accursed, mystical ring…”
ATTENTION INTERNET: THIS IS A PENGUIN BEING TICKLED.
GODDAMMIT FUCK THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
INTERNET GOLD.
Source: itsxplacebo
Is it sad that I find this hilarious?
laughing so hard.
Source: iflifeismundane
Dropping your phone.
The first time:
The next few times:
After a million times:
After a billion times:
IKR!
Think quick!
UM…i guess it was safer than jumping with the baby?no no no…just NO!
(via roguesandevolution)
Source: reddit.com
In his five short weeks of life, Orbit hasn’t met many other owls.
So he isn’t at all worried that his new best friend doesn’t hoot back.
The orphaned chick is perfectly content in the company of the stuffed bird perched next to him and is never far from his side.
Orbit, a common barn owl, was given the toy by Lyndsey Wood, his carer at Folly Farm, near Narberth in West Wales.
She said: ‘A friend suggested that I find something like a toy owl to stop Orbit feeling lonely.
‘I thought he might try to eat it, but he just cuddles up to it and goes to sleep.’
that’s so depressing. an orphaned barn owl that’s only 5 weeks old. It doesn’t matter how long that is in owl years; i’m feeling sad/angry just looking at its face. To be content with just a soft doll that does nothing shows just how deprived it really is. And the best part? I can’t do anything to help.
(via roguesandevolution)
Source: themorallycorruptfayeresnick
